


The Art of Loving

by mamuras



Category: Hana Yori Dango & Related Fandoms, Hana Yori Dango | Boys Over Flowers (Anime & Manga), Hana Yori Dango | Boys Over Flowers (TV), 流星花園 | Meteor Garden (TV 2018), 꽃보다 남자 | Boys Over Flowers
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2018-10-11
Packaged: 2019-07-27 03:30:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 11,448
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16210496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mamuras/pseuds/mamuras
Summary: “Xiaoyou?” Lei muttered, surprise and shock evident in his face. “It’s two in the morning, what are you—?”“Lei, I messed up.”





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the album Love Yourself.

Xiaoyou detested the rain.

 

But these days, she’s actually come to like it. The rain is quiet, drowning out all other noises that could be irritating. The rhythm of the falling rain sounds soothing. And there’s always the rainbow to look after when it’s over - a sign of new hope and sunshine. The rain is great nowadays. Also because it gives Xiaoyou a good story to cover up why her face is wet.

 

“ _Oh... it’s rain_.” She says, and wiped the secret tears that were falling with the back of her hand.

 

Jiang Xiaoyou always had a bubbly personality. Born with round eyes, rosy cheeks, and porcelains soft skin you could call her a doll, everyone has always adored her. She's high spirited, lively and fun to be around. She’s never had any trouble making friends and keeping them. 

 

So it’s totally ironic that she’s standing here in Lei’s doorway, eyes brimmed with burning tears and heart heavy with different emotions.

 

“Xiaoyou?” Lei muttered, surprise and shock evident in his face. “It’s two in the morning, what are you—?”

 

“Lei, I messed up.” Xiaoyou clutched the hem of her shirt, the drenched fabric clinging to her skin and leaking water onto the doormat. Her dark chocolate hair was soaked and dripping wet. Her cheeks were slightly swollen, her lip crusted with dry blood, and although her eyes are red and threatening to let tears fall, she smiles. “I messed up badly.”

 

Lei’s expression changes, from confused to concerned, and he pushes the door further open and steps closer. Xiaoyou’s smile falls from her face as she looks up, and it doesn’t take much to see pain embedded behind the building tears. Lei chews on his lower lip and sighed. He extends his arms out and Xiaoyou rams her face straight into his shoulder.

 

“Lei, they’re together.” Lei isn’t sure if he should feel guilty for supporting Xiaoyou. He was entirely convinced that she had just as good a shot, if not better, than everyone else when it comes to _him_. 

 

“Hey, we should get you dried off,” He sighed as he closed the door, feeling Xiaoyou’s shivers in his arms.

 

“Lei?, why are you out of—oh my!.” Lei casts a worried look at Jing and she immediately got the message.

 

“I’m sorry I came at a bad time.” Xiaoyou mutters sadly, “but could you just overlook this one, Jing?”

 

Jing breezes past Xiaoyou, gently patting the top of her head. “Hey. It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” Her voice is warm and calming.

And Xiaoyou knows that they're being overly kind. In a moment, Lei will probably go the kitchen and prepare some warm soup and hot chocolate because they know Xiaoyou always gets hungry after a bout of crying, and both Jing and Lei will stay up with her until she’s feeling better. They’ll probably proceed to stay up with her, even as Xiaoyou lulls off to sleep and they tuck her in bed. She choke back another sob when she thinks about just how amazing and caring her friends are. 

 

Jing leaves to grab a fresh change of clothes for Xiaoyou. “I’ll leave these for you—”

 

“Jing?” Jing looked back, and her eyes widen at the sight of purple blotches and fading marks across the expanse of her collarbones and chest. “Jesus Christ, Xiaoyou, what are those?!”

 

Xiaoyou tucks her knees quickly against her chest and puts her hands around them to hide them, biting down on her quivering lip. Jing kneels down against the side of the tub, pressing one of her hands on top of Xiaoyou’s head. She takes note of the marks across the back of her neck and shoulders as well. “Xiaoyou...these marks...”

 

“D-Do I have to explain?”

 

Jing hesitates. “Well...Only… if you want to.”

 

Xiaoyou reconsidered. At one point or another, she will have to spill about it. Well, she won’t have to, because somewhere down the line, she always got the feeling that Jing and Lei knows more about almost everything and everyone, so there's really no reason to hide them.

 

“It’s exactly what it looks like. We had sex. A lot.” Jing sighed in relief. For a moment, she thought the worst possible thing might have happened to her. She wanted to reprimand her for her actions but the marks embedded in her skin, and the spilled tears seemed like a lesson enough.

 

“So...what's his name?”

 

“I thought _he_ would have told you by now.”

 

Jing rubs the back of her neck and shrugs. “All of us do keep in touch. But, I think I might come off slightly biased.” Xiaoyou cocks her head in confusion.

 

“He thinks I’m on your side.” Jing admits, “Women and loyalty, remember?”

 

“But all throughout the years, you and Lei always stayed neutral?!”

 

Jing chuckled. “You really think he would see it that way? Come on, time for you to get out. Lei already has your snacks ready.”

 

“Jing… You and Lei…Thank you...” Jing smiled warmly and hugged her.

 

“Hey, it may not be the same, but we love you too. You know that right?” Jing whispered in her ears, softly rubbing her back. Xiaoyou nodded as she choke back another sob.

 

After the warm bath, Xiaoyou heads down the hallway and into the living room. When she passed by a huge mirror, she glares hard at her blurry reflection, wiping off a spot to grimace at her swollen red eyes and slightly wounded chewed lips. She pulls the collar of the shirt to see if the marks faded a bit more than before, and it slightly scared her. As painful as they are, she wanted them to stay forever. It was a reminder for her that it was all real, that last night happened.

 

Fatigue instantly came over Xiaoyou, and she crawls into the couch, flopping down onto the pillow and reaching for something to munch on. Lei turns back to Xiaoyou and crunches down on a sandwhich, freezing when he sees a bite mark peer out from the collar of the shirt. His eyes flicker up to Jing, who just sends him a knowing look. Lei raises an eyebrow, to which Jing just shrugs her shoulders.

 

“Your silent conversations were always frightening.” Xiaoyou sighs. “So you haven’t heard either, then?”

 

“I heard about the girlfriend. Not about this, though,” Lei shakes his head.

 

“You didn’t tell me?” Jing asks, sounding a little hurt.

 

“Hey, we’re neutral, remember? Besides, Ximen thinks you’re a bit biased towards Xiaoyou.” Jing chuckles and looks at Xiaoyou with an 'I told you so' attached. Regardless of any topics, decisions, arguments, discussions, and dramas, the ladies have always drifted closer, while the other F4 members tended to side with each other. Lei and Jing usually remained neutral. It’s just the way things worked out in their circle of friends.

 

“Well since the tea has been spilled, why don’t you two start filling me in?” Jing asks.

 

Lei and Xiaoyou exchange glances briefly. “Should you start?” Lei offered.

 

“Well you already have a gist of it, so we’ll start with the girlfriend,” She clicks her tongue. She tries to figure out where to start with this story, and chuckled. It all began five years ago, when she first met him. She smiled at the memory. And as she delve more into it, the marks against her skin begin to burn.

 

 


	2. Wonder

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonder: (Euphoria) is when you've met someone and you're falling in love.

**Intro: Euphoria**

_Take my hands now, you are the cause of my **euphoria**_

* * *

 

All she ever wanted was a normal life - to graduate and repay her family. But everything changed once he came to the picture.

 

A fine day it was, Xiaoyou and her close friend were busily working at the milk tea shop when she caught sight of the _guy_ who entered. That was the first time a guy truly ever caught Xiaoyou's attention. He entered the place, walking coolly with his hands stuffed in his pocket and sauntering over to the order board. He had finesse and poise written over his forehead, he was just so cool. He frowned slightly at the list of milk tea's displayed, seemingly deciding what to buy. But even then, the frown couldn't make his handsome face any less breathtaking. He was just so good looking.

 

 

And that was when Jiang Xiaoyou got attracted at first sight. 

 

Curiosity was the spark. But attraction pulled her to him.

 

Him. **Yan Ximen**.

 

Was there _anything_ about him that wasn't perfect?

He is close to perfection in Xiaoyou's opinion. With handsome features and a sweet smile, it seemed he can catch all the girls in any location. He is the captain and strategist of the Bridge Club that won the World Championship and one of the top student of the year. Everyone at Ming De University (Maybe even outside of Shanghai) knew of his existence and that of his 3 good friends. Together, they were the F4 - a group of the best-looking, richest and most sought-after guys in Shanghai. The very existence of him and his other three friends were a constant reality checker for her that the world was unfair - good looks, talents, wealth, all of them seemed to have everything.

 

But her impression of _him_ changed when her best friend, Shancai warned her immediately that _he_ was bad news. He was a playboy, a heart breaker, a Casanova. In short, he is trouble incarnate. 

 

 _And he knows it_.

He knows he is charming. He knows he is attractive. He knows he is good looking. He knows how to use his good looks.

 

And she _disliked_ him for that. 

 

As a firm believer of love and happy endings, it irked her to the core how easy he can play with love. She doesn't even get the reason why girls keep on admiring and worshipping him when he could just break their hearts easily in less than a second without batting an eyelash. 

 

It didn't help when they met the second time. In fact, it got worse. She appreciated the help she received when he rescued her from the lecherous old guy she accidentally spilled champagne. But then he started to engage subtle conversation with her - calling her cute, asking her if she was free, him being a tea expert and all.

And it was all seemed too fake. It sent shivers to her spine whenever she remembered how he tried to ask her out. Her mind keeps asking the question  _just how many girls has he said those words to get them in his bed._

 

That night, she pegged him to be a playboy who just thinks of girls as a means of entertainment. And that night, she vowed to stay away from him. 

 

But it seemed like the deities had other plans for her. 

Unfortunately for Xiaoyou, her best friend Shancai ended up getting too entangled with the famous group F4. And being Shancai's best friend means getting hooked up with their lives as well. But still, she tried her best to keep her interaction with them as minimal as possible. Especially to Ximen because the last thing she needed is a growing attraction which will eventually result in an inevitable heartbreak.

 

But then the gods had once more tossed Xiaoyou in his direction. Of all the people that could find her, it was Ximen. It was Ximen who spotted her crying by the sidelines, after being cheated by her no good boyfriend. And surprisingly, that was also the time when _her impression of him had changed_.

 

_“The truth is, its bitterness is good. Knowing that, I began walking the path of tea. It's the same with love. A person matures after going through a painful, bitter love. Xiaoyou, this love experience you just had was necessary. You won't make the same mistake next time, alright?”_

 

The way he comforted her when she was crying, the way he corrected her when she questioned her beauty, traits and worth, the way he gave her an advice and helped her get back at her good for nothing ex-boyfriend. These small and genuine actions, Xiaoyou saw _him_ as a human for the first time. She saw him as someone more than what his reputation showed. She caught a glimpse of someone who has more to his story than meets the eye.  And something in her clicked, _'Ahh, I want to get to know this person more.'_

 

In that moment, she saw him in a different light.

 

In that moment, the spark she longed buried in her ignited.

 

In that moment, she realized why it never worked out with anyone else.

 

Because in that moment, _Xiaoyou fell in love with Ximen._

 

 


	3. Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Him: (Serendipity) is when you are falling deeply in love

**Intro: Serendipity**

_Just let me love you_

* * *

Days, weeks, months passed and Xiaoyou eventually warmed up with the rest of the F4 and to Xiao Zi and Jing. They accepted her for who she was regardless of her social status and even stood by her side when Daoming Feng tried to use her in the hopes of breaking Shancai. She’s learned to trust them and her friendship with them became one of her greatest treasures in her life. But behind the blooming friendship was a special feeling growing inside her.

 

Jiang Xiaoyou was falling more and more in love with Yan Ximen with each passing day.

 

She loves how he wears his suits and designer like clothes. She loves how he drives his car. She loves the way he smiles, the way he talks, the way he walks, and the way he laughs. She couldn’t help but fall deeper for him.

 

The heavens seemed to have taken a liking to teasing her because when Ah Si and Shancai got together, Meizou suggested that they should stage a pretend date to fool the lovers. Ximen agreed without reservations. Xiaoyou, being the good friend she is, hesitantly agreed.

 

And it was indeed a perfect date. Ximen was able to clear her day without her knowing. He took her to a nice picnic during lunch, a date at the amusement park, and a lovely candlelit dinner by the stars. But what made the day even more memorable was when Ximen organize a romantic move - giving her 18 roses. It totally shocked her to the core when random people out of nowhere handed her roses, the last one to hand her was him. She remembered asking him why. He replied with a smile, _“We didn’t get to celebrate your birthday before, so I’m making it up.”_

Ximen was a total gentleman throughout their date. Their acting maybe considered topclass considering Ah Si and Shancai got fooled. The pretend date was nothing but perfect. It was too perfect that even Xiaoyou herself got fooled thinking it was real. And like Cinderella, her fairytale came to an end. Reality even slapped her when Ximen reminded her by the end of the day that it was all pretend.

 

And she accepted that reality as the days passed by because Xiayou knows. She knows he is way out of her league. She’s just an ordinary-looking girl who can hardly draw his attention. It was plain impossible for him to notice her. It pained her that he will never know her. It pained her that he will never take her to his heart. For him, she was only the best friend of the girlfriend of his best friend. Nothing more, nothing less. It is happy but very upsetting to like a guy of his kind.

 

It didn’t help that the more she got to know him, the more he puts up the facade, and the more she wants to strip it off. On the contrary, her feelings grow more and more with every mask he put on in front of her. It became her mission to peel off the many layers Ximen had.

 

She started first by learning the way of tea. And then came the clubs. She did everything she could in order to fully understand him. She persevered.   

 

And she succeeded. He told her the truth - about his family, his first love, his fears, and how he missed his once in a lifetime chance.

 

When he told her everything, the sincerity and vulnerability in his eyes made her heart ache. And even if she promised not to meet him anymore after their conversation, everything inside her screamed otherwise. She realized that the feelings inside her were getting too deep it seemed like there’s no way out anymore. She wanted to go back and be that person she was before she met the F4. But then she can’t because life doesn’t work that way. You can’t go backwards. Only forwards.

 

The next logical thing to do would be to throw away her feelings and give up. But then that would not be love now would it? Giving up, finding someone else, and moving on, that would not be love. That would be some other disposable thing that is not worth fighting for.

 

So Xiaoyou did what her heart told her too. She searched high and low for that once in a lifetime chance that he missed in his life. It took all of her effort and time but it was worth it. After all, she got to witness a different side of him. It’s just like what people say, if we keep giving up on people quickly, we would miss out something great. And she was glad she did not give up on him.

 

Surprisingly, she and Ximen become close after that shared moment by the roof top. They soon discovered they had a lot of common interests, a lot of things to talk about all the time, it was like they knew each other even before they met. They had so many things they could say to each other. Even Meizou who was considered as his closest friend among the F4 would be left out of their conversation sometimes because he could not catch up.

They would occasionally go out for dinner but it wasn't really considered a date. They would exchange text messages and calls at night but it was just their way of checking each other. They would visit each other’s apartment, watch movies, series, and sleep overs but it was just their way of hanging out. It was not the relationship Xiaoyou had expected at first. But if friendship was the only thing he can offer, she would gladly accept it without complaints.

 

The years passed and Xiaoyou became one of his closest friends. She had always been there during his ups and down, constantly standing by his side, supporting him, pushing him forward, never letting him give up, and scolding him whenever it was necessary. And Ximen had accepted her as a constant figure in his life.

And while Xiaoyou hoped for a change between them, their relationship remained entirely platonic. And for years, Xiaoyou has endured seeing Ximen with countless women. Jing and Lei, the two persons in the group who manage to discovered her deep feelings for their playboy friend, tried to push her into confessing her feelings. She reasoned otherwise. She treasured his friendship with him so much and she did not want to taint a wonderful relationship with love. If she can, she’d be willing to sacrifice the love she have for him to save their friendship.

 

Five years later, and everyone went on with their lives. Daoming Si and Shancai got married; the two currently residing in London with Ah Si fixing the Daoming Group. Lei and Jing got back together. Meizou, Ximen and Xiao Zi took over their own family business.

 

Xiaoyou’s now 23 and an aspiring model.

And while everything and everyone seemed to have advanced, nothing in Xiaoyou has changed. The love she has for him did not die. It was only beaten down to a secret place where it hides, curled and wounded.

 

* * *

Ximen checked his watch as he entered the usual restaurant. He nodded toward the waitress and went directly to his favorite place.

 

“I'm sorry, I'm late Ximen!” she said as she caught sight of him. Ximen looked up and smiled. He could not help but smile when he saw her.

 

“You’re on time, actually.” Xiaoyou sat across him and he can’t help but chuckled. Even though the years had passed, Xiaoyou seems to never change. She still remained pure and innocent. While you might be wondering why he isn’t spending his night clubbing and drinking, the answer is simple: he had something important to tell to his best friend. She deserved to be first to know.

 

“So, what is it you wanted to talk about?” Xiaoyou asked uneasily. She couldn’t figure out why he would want her to go and see him at such a short notice.

 

“Do you remember, the story about Xiao Geng?” Xiaoyou’s heart stopped. She stared into his eyes and her heart fell silent. She softly nodded. “I met her once more, and we decided to try it again.”

 

“I.. see.” She said slowly, fighting the tears that were prickling at the corner of her eyes. Everything suddenly hurts, from head to toe, inside and out. It was a like big slap to her face. That she was never an option, and will never be a choice.

 

“Xiaoyou, about this… I’m new to this. _Dating_ , I mean.” Xiaoyou bites his lip. She wanted to run away as fast as she can and crumble. But Xiaoyou is better than this. Ximen needs her. And while she wants to lock herself inside her room for days, cry her heart out and wallow over her broken heart, she’ll step all over it, like shards of glass. Only for him, only for her best friend.

 

So she composed herself and put on her best mask and smiled at him. She’s Jiang Xiaoyou after all. “So, how long have you been going out?”

 

“Um...about a month,” Ximen answers meekly.

 

“If you managed to stay together for that long, then you’re doing it right.”

 

Xiaoyou clenched her fist as though her own heart is in her hands, crushing it, because hearing Ximen laugh sends something through her that shouldn’t be there. He was given a second chance to redeem his once in a lifetime. And he would surely not miss it. And this breaks her heart.


	4. Tear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tear: (Singularity) is when the love becomes unhealthy and you feel trapped from it.

**Intro: Singularity**

_A sound of something breaking, I awake from sleep_

* * *

 

Xiaoyou beamed at the TV screen, an empty chuckle rolling out of her mouth over some comedy film. She’s totally surprised at how strong she had become the past days. It seemed like his news was too damaging because she can’t find it in her to cry anymore, although usually she’s pretty much an open canvas when it comes to emotional responses.

 

The heartbreak seemed creepy. She had witnessed it before with her friends, and it seemed crippling and devastating. But she seems fine for the most part. She looked at herself in the mirror, and took note that there were no bags under her eyes, no paleness to her complexion, no hollowness in her gaze.

 

She’s alive. Physically.

 

Taking a deep breath, she reorients herself and continued with her plan: Avoid him until her feelings go away. She knows that her feelings would get stronger every time she looks at his eyes, hear his voice or just spend time with him. So she needs to lessen it. Xiaoyou knows she’s stronger. She’ll get over it. She will. She'll just keep some distance between herself and Ximen until the feeling dies away.

 

“You can do this. You’re fine” she whispered to herself the usual mantra.  She’s kept herself together this well for the sake of her best friend who was sadly also the love of her life. She didn’t even think she could do it. But she managed pretty well the past days.

 

Her phone suddenly rang, bringing her back to reality. She grabbed her phone and checked the caller id. It showed Ximen’s name.

 

She contemplated on answering it. She was trying to avoid him after all. But then she realize she need to do it subtly. Otherwise he’ll notice and he will ask her about it. So she composed herself and press the answer button.

 

“Hey…You’re still awake?” Ximen asked, his tone soft and worried. “You should get some sleep, it’s late already.” Xiaoyou sighed, and for a moment she swear she heard him take a deep breath.

 

“I know something’s up. ” He says, worry etched in his voice, and Xiaoyou’s heart twinges. If Ximen knew her so well, he’d know what was wrong with her. “Always remember that I’m here, you know? I’m worried about you, Xiaoyou. You’ve been acting strange lately.”

 

Xiaoyou feels the tears sting at the back of her eyes. But no. She can’t cry, not here.

 

“Xiaoyou,” Ximen’s voice was soft and soothing, and the next thing she knows, she was already crying.

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just that, I'm sad... we can’t do our usual stuffs anymore.” Xiaoyou replied, softly wiping the tears that were falling from her face.

 

“What? Why? Because I’m in a relationship now? Hey, you’re still my—”

 

“But that’s the way it works, Ximen. If I were her, I think I’d be pretty bothered that my lover is so familiar with someone else.”

 

Ximen paused, clearly confused with what what she meant. “Xiaoyou, if she can’t accept you as my best friend then—”

 

“It’s not about that, Ximen. Just think about it. Think about how we are. Do you think she’d be okay with that?” She paused. And the long silence was enough for an answer. She got her point across and he understood. And this is where everything about them stops.

 

“I guess… you’re right,” Ximen answered, “but you will still be the most important person for me, you know that, right?”

 

Xiaoyou chuckled, as she slowly brush the tears that were falling. “Always,” she says, before she ended the call.

 

The composure and front soon crumbled, and she cried her heart out underneath the pillows. The next morning and the mornings after it, the phone calls, voicemails, text messages and hangout invites one by one became unanswered, unheard, unread, and unwelcome.

 

 

* * *

“It’s nice to finally meet you! Ximen has told me quite a bit.” Xiaoyou prayed to the gods that the waitress or the cashier is a secret assassin. Maybe then she can slip her life into their hands and end it all right here.

 

She’s really pretty, she noted. Short glowing hair, twinkling eyes, long lashes and soft skin. What’s not to like? “Likewise. Although, Ximen has not told me much about you. And he dare call himself my best friend”

 

“Hey!” Ximen groaned, and the two ladies giggled.

 

“So then, how did you two meet again?” Xiaoyou officially concluded that she was one hell of a masochist. That or she was one hell of an actress because she was basically digging her own grave and yet she's acting all happy about it.

 

“You honestly haven't told her anything?” Xiao Geng looks at him, subtly touches his shoulder, sending him a soft smile.  Xiao Geng turns back to Xiaoyou and smiled widely at her. “As cliche as it sounds, we met again at a tea ceremony event. He was one of the guests and I was one of the organizers. And everything’s history I guess.”

 

Xiaoyou swallowed her pride. She doesn’t want to admit it but Xiao Geng is definitely a good match for Ximen. She’s a literal ray of sunshine. She’s sweet and charming and gorgeous and the two of them looked good together. Call her a masochist if you will; she was beginning to accept that this was her fate. She breathed in short and shallow breaths as she tried to force her lips into a smile. She knew it was unwise to show them that her whole world was about to crumble any minute now. 

As if on cue, Ximen turned to Xiao Geng and excused himself, heading for the bathroom. And Xiaoyou can’t help but feel nauseous. That look earlier had some hidden message between them that she could not decipher and she can’t help but feel a twinge of jealousy.

 

“I thought he’d never leave,” Xiao Geng laughed, “He’s been on edge lately. Seems he’s too worried about this meeting.”

 

“Well, you gotta give it to him. You’re his first serious relationship you know, so he’s flying blind here.”

 

“Xiaoyou, if you don't mind, can I ask you something?”

 

Xiaoyou minded. In fact, she wanted to say no because really, she’s not in the mood for anything. Everything hurts and she just wanted to run away as soon as possible. But then being rude and showing her emotions would be unlike her. So she forced her lips into a strained smile. “Sure, what is it?”

 

“How long have you two been best friends?”

 

“Almost six years already.”

 

“Xiaoyou, I want you to know that I really care about Ximen. I won’t do anything that could hurt him, I promise and I’ll prove them to you over time. I haven’t told him yet, but -”

 

“Stop.” Xiaoyou snap, which unexpectedly came out a bit harsher than what she initially planned. Xiao Geng looked at her, jaw slightly dropped. “Ximen, may be an important person in my life. But I’m not his parent. You don’t need my blessing or anything. Just, don’t hurt him, okay?” Xiao Geng chuckled nervously, sensing the slight tension. And with great timing, Ximen was then back at his seat. One look at the table and he knows something happened, but he leaves it for later.

 

When Ximen drops Xiaoyou off her apartment, that’s when it happened.  “Did you say anything to her? She thinks you hate her.”

 

“She just tried to get my blessing.” Xiaoyou replied short, clearly wanting to avoid the topic further. “I just told her not to hurt you. The whole best friend routine thingy.”

 

Ximen remained still for a moment, before a flash of anxiety and disappointment rippled through him. “You don’t like her, do you?”

 

She shrugs at him, giving him a vague answer, the one where she doesn’t want to confirm nor deny. But as much as it kills her inside, she’ll support him. So she digs her heel into the floor, walks over to Ximen and patted his back. “I know you’re new to this whole dating thing. So calm down, it’s really not like that, Ximen. I just... want to know one thing. Do you like her?”

 

Asking that question left a bitter taste in her mouth and she wants to puke.

 

Ximen sighed. “I do. I want this to work. _And I really want you two to get along_.”

 

And her heart shattered once more. It was impossible to believe how such answer could cause her so much pain. With a deep breath, she forced a strained smile and chuckled. “Then that’s all that matters. I’m sorry, maybe it was a bit rude. But I can’t help it. I’m just protective of my best friend.”

 

Ximen looked at Xiaoyou, and he smiled. The laughter sends that weird feeling running through Xiaoyou again.  That night, she barely slept at all. But at least she doesn’t cry this time. Maybe her emotions have dried up already.

 

* * *

A loud knock from her door startled Xiaoyou. She opened it and was surprised by the unexpected visitor. It’s been weeks since she last heard of him after all.

 

“Do you still have your skates?” Ximen asks as he entered to her apartment nonchalantly.

 

Xiaoyou furrowed her brows in confusion. “Skates? My ice skates? Yeah I have them, why?”

 

Ximen smiled. “Good. Cause we’re going skating.” And before she could react, he immediately grabbed her arms and dragged her out.

 

The moment his hand touched her, Xiaoyou felt the little sparks of static dancing over her skin. Her skin tingled where he touched her and her heart beat erratically in her chest so hard she thought it might fly out. There were butterflies fluttering in her stomach but it felt good. How long has it been? How long has it been since they last talked? Touched? Spent time together? A blush formed on her face.

 

 _She definitely missed this_.

 

At the skating rink, Ximen was shaky and lopsided, gripping hard on the wall edges for support while Xiaoyou glides smoothly around him. “Let go Ximen! You won't be able to learn skating like that.” She grinned and Ximen threw a glare at her.

 

“Just go! Leave me alone, Xiaoyou”

 

Xiaoyou laughed loudly. “No way! It's fun watching you there wiggling like a child!” Skating wasn’t new to them. They did this before during one of their hangout times. Unfortunately for Ximen, Xiaoyou was a fast learner, and in no time, she was able to glide across the ice while Ximen remained unsteady to skate around.

 

“By the way, Ximen… Where’s Xiao Geng?”

 

Ximen frowned and looked away. “This day is not about her. It’s about us.”

 

Xiaoyou studied his expression and a thought came into her. “Did you two, have a fight?”

 

Ximen sighed. “Not recently.”

 

“So you’ve fought before?”

 

“Not all couples are perfect, Xiaoyou. But please, stop bringing her up.”

 

“I just don’t-”

 

“I miss you, okay!?” Ximen snapped, he raked his hair in frustration and sighed. “I miss my best friend. We’re supposed to be best friends. But we're not acting like that anymore. And I miss it.”

 

Xiaoyou smiled warmly because she too felt the same. “Yeah. I missed it too.”

 

That night, the two hangout at Xiaoyou’s apartment just like old times. They set up a mini camp by her living room and line up a long movie marathon collection with pizza and popcorn on hand.

 

“I miss you, you know. It’s strange not having you around. I don't like it.” Ximen says again as he ruffled her hair.

 

No matter how hard she tried to suppress her feelings, a few words and touches from Ximen and the strong wall she had put up starts to crumble. 

_She missed him._

She missed them. She missed their times together. She missed their banters, missed his laughter, missed his voice, missed everything about him.

 

“Don’t ignore me again, all right?” Ximen mutters into the top of her head and she choke back a sob.

 

She knows this dream will not last long. She knows she’ll go back to reality the following morning. So for now, she’ll savor this moment - her tucked tight against Ximen’s chest, lulling her to sleep. She knows it was wrong but at the moment, _it was worth it_.

 

* * *

* * *

“So, how often does Ximen argue with Xiao Geng?” Jing asked.

 

“I’m not sure.” Xiaoyou replied, her eyes looking sideways, “Maybe they argued the usual amount couples do? Like the usual things, you know.”

 

In a flash, Lei stiffened from his seat. But before he can brush it off, Jing was able to catch him. “I saw that Lei.”

 

Lei sighed and closed his eyes, carefully thinking on what to do. “I really shouldn’t be telling you this. But I think it's too late for that. I’m really surprised you don’t know anything about it.”

 

Xiaoyou glances upward, her forehead creased, her mouth slightly open. She blinks, waiting for him to continue.  Lei raked his hair and sighs, squeezing hard at the back of his neck. “They had fights over a lot of things, just like what other couples do.” He paused, hesitating for a moment. “But, those two had _one big fight_. A really really big, huge ass fight. And it was about _you, Xiaoyou._ ”

 

Xiaoyou shoots up, appalled and horrified. “Me? Xiao Geng got mad at _me_?”

 

“No. You got it wrong. It's not like that. It's more like she feels inferior to you. And that definitely stings a lot.”

 

Jing sighed in understanding, flopping onto the couch. “Of course. Some people will never be okay being second to the best friend. That’s a tough barrier to overcome.”

 

Xiaoyou cringed at the thought, dropping her head forward and wrapping her arms around herself. “But I don’t want to be a problem for the both of them.”

 

“But that's out of your control Xiaoyou.” Lei answered, softly patting her back. “Because that’s Ximen’s fault.”

 

“But Lei, I - ”

 

“I guess that explains why _it_ happened, right?”

 

Xiaoyou groaned, pulling her hair hard out of frustration. _The most painful and complicated part of this story is the most recent one_ , the reason why she came running to their doorstep.

 

* * *

At Ximen’s insistence, the two started hanging out once more. She didn’t want to at first. But in the end, he won her over. She could never resist him.

 

It was Friday and the two proceed with their usual routine - Xiaoyou preparing a long list of films for their movie marathon and Ximen bringing take out food and drinks. Ximen arrives an hour or two later, bringing in pizza and some alcohol.

 

“Ximen! Hurry up!” Xiaoyou demanded when she heard the door open.

 

“Coming!” Ximen answered back as he heads towards the living room. He then crawled into the mini fort and settled down the pizza and alcohol. Hours passed and they were on their fourth film, both slightly intoxicated. “These films are bad” Ximen cackles.

 

“Why are we even watching them?” Xiaoyou sighed, but giggled. She laughed more when a burp past over her lips. “Hah! I think I’m drunk.”

 

“Same.”

 

They finish up the movie, finish off the pizza, finish off the alcohol, and put another movie on. They were both laughing out loud, throwing jokes at whatever they see, pointing out scenes in the film that would never be considered funny if one was sober. They bet who dies on the film, bet with possible endings, or who ends up with who, and other things they could possibly think of. Both getting deeply intoxicated by the minute.

 

At some point, they turned off the TV. Ximen reaches upwards and gently pulls Xiaoyou towards him. “You know I love you, right?”

 

Xiaoyou wasn’t sure what came over him. “Did I heard it right? You love me?” she blinks, trying to process what was actually happening. She scoots forward and nestled herself in Ximen’s lap, pressing the pad of her thumb against the crease between Ximen’s brows.

 

And before they noticed, everything happened faster. Was it the fascination? the carnal desire? the intoxicated boldness? nobody knows. But it felt natural. _The kiss_. It was soft and gentle and slow, like they’ve been doing it for years.

 

When they break apart, Xiaoyou's blood ran cold. She realized she had crossed the line. “Ximen.. I’m sorry… I just...I wanted to—” Ximen moved his head to kiss Xiaoyou again, throwing all caution, logic, and reason out in the window. “You taste like alcohol,” Ximen chuckled softly against Xiaoyou’s lips. Time felt slower as Xiaoyou let herself feel happy and relaxed.

 

Xiaoyou softly bit Ximen’s bottom lip and jerked a bit at the fast reaction. The kiss grew hotter, needier, sloppier. Somewhere along the heated events, Ximen’s shirt disappears, as does Xiaoyou’s. Ximen brought their faces together again, kissing Xiaoyou’s quivering lips passionately. He then moved to her jawline, cheeks, and eyelashes. He peppered kisses all over her face.

 

“What...are we doing,” Xiaoyou whispered in between the kisses.

 

“Something crazy” Ximen whispered back, and neither of them said anything further. Ximen picked that moment to unexpectedly bite Xiaoyou’s earlobe and Xiaoyou’s moans where immediately covered when Ximen invaded her mouth with his tongue. She was humming against him, gasping as he pressed their bodies together and drank in the heat rolling off their skin.

 

In one swift push, Ximen slid inside her and fills her to the hilt, knocking the air out of Xiaoyou’s lungs. “G-god... so..tight…” He groaned as he lifted her leg more to go deeper inside. She gasps in pain and pleasure when she felt teeth bite hard against her neck. Xiaoyou was a moaning mess with Ximen inside of her, leaving a trail of bites and kiss marks across the planes of her back and neck.

 

They developed a rhythm; They move in sync; And they respond automatically to each other. Everything felt natural, like they’ve done this so many times.

 

“I.. love you… I love you… So so much…” Xiaoyou exclaimed in the heat of moment, loss in the haze of intoxication and lust.  “I wanted to… tell you… for… so long- !” Xiaoyou’s mind goes blank, eyes snapping shut, the pressure and pleasure building to a point of break. Ximen follows shortly, thrusting backwards and kissing her again in desperation. He collapses beside her, chest heaving.

 

“You love me?” Ximen asks, barely keeping his eyes open.

 

Xiaoyou nodded weakly, yawning, eyes heavy with sleep. “Took you long to realize, Ximen.”

 

* * *

Xiaoyou rasped hardly at her skin in the shower, furiously rubbing against the marks to get them to disappear.

 

It should not have happened. This should not have happened. And yet, the evidence were all plastered over her.

 

She woke up in a haze sometime in the afternoon, sticky, and bloody sore as hell, clothes discarded around her and worst of all, Ximen draped next to her. As much as she wanted to admire the scenery, the realization of what happened last night hit her like an out of control truck. She’s dead scared of going out of the shower, because she knows he might be awake.

 

She breathed deeply. She tiptoed out of the bathroom and glanced around. It felt empty. Maybe Ximen left?

 

“What is this?” Ximen’s fist slammed on the table, making her flinch. He stride fast towards her and slammed his fists on the wall, his other hand gripping her arm, completely trapping her in between. “What did _you_ do?”

 

Xiaoyou cringes. “Me? That’s a bit rich coming from you.” She snarled back. “Don’t act as if I forced you out of you will. _We both got into this_.”

 

The heated quarrel continues. It was definitely a war of words and who can hurt the other one more. It was spiraling out of control, and she feels like it will only get worse.

 

Ximen threw a glare at her, “Of all the people, it’d have to be you. How the hell should I explain all of this?!”

 

And that was it. The huge slap to the face that Xiaoyou needed. The bitter reality that Ximen will never see her that way. She tried to walk past him, but Ximen seized her backwards.

 

“Get your hands off me.” Xiaoyou harshly pushed his hands off her shoulder. “You want to know what happened? You fucked me so hard. You cheated. So stop looking for an excuse for your stupid action”

 

“You’re just as much to blame as I am!”

 

“Of course I know that!”

 

“If you knew it was wrong then why did you went along with it?!” Xiaoyou feels her chest tightens, her throat locks up, dry and scared. Ximen won’t let her run, but she’d rather jump off from the nearest window than stand here, be with him, and deal with this. She can’t tell him. If she tells him, it's all over. Everything is over.

 

“Xiaoyou?” Ximen asks, voice a bit softer now when he noticed her panicking.

 

The walls, the walls that held her up, made her strong, was slowly collapsing. The nausea swirled unrestrained in her empty stomach. She bit her trembling lips, clenched her fist and looked away. “It’s nothing. You… You don’t need to know.”

 

_“Xiaoyou”_

 

“I love you.” She snapped, refused to look away, even as her lips trembled and her shoulders heaved with emotion, and her hands clenched into shaking fists, unwilling to back down. “I’m in love with you. Ever since we met. I’ve loved you all this time.”

 

Xiaoyou watched in horror as Ximen’s face contorted into an expression she never ever wanted to see - Shock. Guilt. Anguish. The _shock_ upon knowing that his best friend was in love with him for years. The _guilt_ for being oblivious and unaware to her feelings. And the _anguish_ because apparently he doesn't feel the same.

 

“Now you know. You’re asking why I didn't resist you? How could I resist you? I could _never_ resist you.”

 

Ximen looked pained, distressed. “But you… you never said...” He slowly slumped back against the wall for support when everything she told sink in.

 

Xiaoyou bit back the tears that were trying to come out. “I will never ever sabotage your feelings for the sake of mine, Ximen. I promised you I’d support you no matter who you loved.”

 

Ximen looks up at her, jaw open to say something, but the words don’t come.

 

But Xiaoyou knows though. She knows what he wants to say. They know each other well enough. They’re good a that, picking up each other’s words and feelings. The silence grows heavy and Xiaoyou hates the tension in the air. She hate it so much that she looks at the door like it might be her saving grace.

 

“Don’t leave.” Ximen begs, “Don’t run away from me.”

 

“I think I have the right to feel angry, you know? You finally look at me after god knows how long, and the only thing I got was some drunken pity sex. I really wish I could hate you so much.”

 

Xiaoyou was out of her apartment in a blink of an eye. She hailed a cab, the first address coming to her mind would be Lei and Jing’s. Throughout the drive, she stared at the raindrops on the window.

 

It’s over.

Everything is all over.

 

She crossed the line and she can’t go back to being best friends with Ximen. Her fear of going separate ways is coming to reality.

 

But maybe it was bound to happen. Maybe it was meant to happen. She thought it would be easy to let of Ximen. She thought she would be able to move on from him. She though she was strong enough. She was not prepare to lose him entirely.

 

The driver stays completely silent as Xiaoyou finally crumbles in the backseat.

 


	5. Answer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Answer: (Epiphany) is when you come to realize that you have to love yourself first.

**Intro: Epiphany**

_I’m the one I should love in this world_

* * *

“Ximen sounded pretty messed up over the phone.” Lei mutters as he softly throws his phone by the couch.

 

Jing looks down, thumbing across Xiaoyou’s eyebrow, smoothing down her cheek, before she swipes her hand soothingly down her back. Xiaoyou finally fell asleep after another bout of tears and the rest of her story.

 

Lei feathers his fingers through Xiaoyou’s hair with a small smile. “She’s pretty cute like this. ”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Hmm...So what are we gonna do about this? Xiaoyou has been with Ximen for how many years. This has got to be more than a simple passing crush.” Jing sighed. “I think she needs space. It’d be good to get away from him. It worked for us, right?”

 

Lei softly rubbed his temples and eye at the clock. “You should rest now. Don't worry, I’ll stay with her tomorrow.”

 

“Hmmm...all right” Jing smiled, leaning over, and planting a chaste kiss over Lei's lips as she nestled down onto the pillows at the other side and pulls the blanket over her.

 

“I feel like we adopted a child for the night” Lei said, a soft smile forming on his mouth, and Jing glances down at Xiaoyou who was sleeping soundly between them.

 

“It seemed like we ended up as parental figures in our group.”

 

Lei chuckled. “True. What would we do without you, Mama Jing?”

 

“Hah! sounds weird.”

 

Lei laughs softly and curls his head closer to Jing’s, drifting slowly into the world of dreams.

 

* * *

Xiaoyou stayed at Jing and Lei’s apartment for a couple more days. She’s considering all her options, checking each angles and possibilities, carefully weighing the pros and cons of the situation she’s in. She thinks long and hard about everything that has happened so far, and she ended up in tears once more.

 

She'd finally accepted defeat. She'd come to accept that she’s tired. That she's physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. That she's drained. Her heart is aching. And she’s tired of pretending that she’s perfectly fine. Maybe they do need time and space to fix it. She has to learn to move on, to be okay without Ximen by her side. She has to accept the rejection and get past it.

 

She can do it. She’s Jiang Xiaoyou after all. She’s strong. She knows she can.

 

After a long talk with her family on the phone, another long talk with her agency, and another long talk with her close friend Shancai, she finally came up with a decision. She borrowed Lei's laptop and starts searching for apartment listings all over London.

 

* * *

With Shancai's help, she was able to find one in a few days. The flat was finely furnished and composed of two bedrooms, two bathrooms, a kitchen and a living room. The small patio was good for relaxation as well. The rent was within her budget and the location is close to the modelling agency where she will transfer. It was a perfect opportunity.

 

She grabs her phone and calls the person who posted the listing.

 

* * *

 

She doesn’t expect him to be waiting by her apartment. It seemed like he was staying there, waiting for her to return.

 

“Where did you go?” Ximen carried himself away from the couch and walked towards her.

 

“Jing and Lei’s.”  Xiaoyou retorted as she stride past him, not sparing a single glance.

 

When he noticed what she was doing, Ximen break out in cold sweat. “Are you… gonna live with them?”

 

“No. I’m leaving for London.” Ximen’s heart stopped as soon as he heard her words. Blood drained from his face and he was as pale as a ghost. “My contract is ending. But my agency was kind enough to recommend me to another one.”

 

Pain exploded instantly in Ximen’s chest. His mind was all jumbled and he couldn’t think straight. He felt numb all over. Ximen gripped the edges of the table tightly as he tried to remain calm and composed. As much as he hate to see her go, he couldn’t bring it in him to be selfish. “I can’t convince you to stay, can I?”

 

“I need this. We need this. I think it’s best for us to separate for a while.”

 

Ximen closed his eyes and nodded, a sign of defeat. “... Yeah…”

 

Xiaoyou said nothing to him as she packs. Xiao Zi came later over to help load things into her car; She promised to bring her to the airport.

 

“Xiao Zi, I’m ready,” Xiaoyou exclaimed, taking one last look at the her apartment. She had been living in that place since freshman college and this place hold a lot of memories for her, so it feels weird to be leaving it.

“She’s down by the car.” Ximen answered back, glaring down at the floor, trying hard not to cry. The time had finally come but much to Ximen’s surprise he seemed to have difficulty letting her go. He felt like shit and just the thought of her leaving shot daggers to his heart.

 

“You’re supposed to look up to stop the tears from falling.” Xiaoyou commented, a sad smile forming on her face.

 

Xiaoyou steps forward and brings her arms around Ximen, wrapping him in her warm embrace. Ximen sank his face into her shoulders; And as she pressed her lips into his hair and softly rubbed his back, that's when she hears a sound that almost stopped her heart. Ximen heaved a quiet sob, and tears welled up behind his eyelids, slipping down his cheeks without resistance. Another sob wracked him, followed by soft whimper. He curled on her shoulders and wept. And she let him.

 

It was a weird change. It was new to her that she’s not the one crying this time. And it stings a lot knowing Ximen is just as broken up over this as she is.

 

“Xiaoyou…Xiao..you… _Xiaoyou_ …!”

 

“Hey... come on now... we were both at fault this time.” She said, tightening her grip on him as she hushed him. “So, don't apologize.”

 

“Take care… of yourself…”

 

“I will…” Xiaoyou sadly smiled, wiping away his tears with her thumb and pressing a soft kiss on his forehead. “Take care of yourself as well.”

 

Xiaoyou stood still as Ximen slowly composed himself. She accepted all of it, the tears, the sniffles, the broken hiccups, and the hushed ‘don’t go’.

 

“I’ll miss you, you know.”

 

“I already do.” Ximen sniffs, wiping the tears with the back of his hand.

 

Xiaoyou flashes him one of her smiles.The smile that shows her dimples and makes her eyes twinkle. The smile that just seems so genuinely sweet with just the right touch of warmth. The smile where she’s vulnerable, saved for the one person she knows will accept it. The smile she normally saves for Ximen alone.

 

“Goodbye, Ximen.”

 

Xiaoyou sprints down to Xiao Zi’s car, not wanting to linger longer, afraid that she might crumble. As the doors closed and the scenery starts to change, that’s when the tears burst forth like water from a dam, spilling down her face. She feel the muscles of her chin tremble like a small child and she look towards the window, as if the light could soothe her.

 

She’s glad she didn’t look back. Because if she knows Ximen as well as she think she does, the he might be pulling his hair out of frustration, wallowing in defeat, furiously marching around her apartment and throwing things around.

 

But this time, she was wrong.

 

Ximen felt weird. He crumbled against the wall as he smash his third bottle of beer against the floor. He buried his face on his bended knees and choke a sob. It was a futile attempt to patch his broken feelings.

Xiaoyou had become an important figure in his life. She was the person who caused a revolution inside him. She’s a very special person for him and he has come to rely on Xiaoyou one way or another. He knew someday he’d have to let go.

He just didn't expect for it to go like this. 

 

* * *

Xiaoyou unpacks everything in her new room. Her roommate, Lisa warmed up to her instantly, and the two became close as a pod. She’s a literal little ray of sunshine, her smiles wide and bright, and her personality lively and bubbly.

 

They tell each other almost everything right then as if they’ve known each other for years. Xiaoyou tells her about her situation. Lisa reveals her dreams as a fashion designer.

 

Lisa helps her decorate and organize her room because she's good at placing things and making them look nice and fashionable. Her room has a nice huge window and the walls were painted with bright colors. It feels happier, lighter, warmer.

 

Xiaoyou keeps a box labelled Ximen buried back in her closet. Everything about him and them should stay hidden for now and it’s easier not to think about it when she can’t see them.

 

Lisa tells her the rules of the apartment, which were pretty basic. They took turns on cooking, sweeping and doing the groceries. On the weekends they do laundry and on friday nights, they watch chick flick films and thriller movies.

 

Life was good. Really good.

 

* * *

Three months pass like a blur.

 

Xiaoyou’s complexion got better. Her cheeks are now rosy pink again, her hair vibrant, and her eyes sparkle like how it used to.

 

She regularly calls her family and let them know how she’s doing. Ah Si and Shancai visits her frequently, and even introduced Lisa to them. Jing and Lei drops by occasionally when they have time, but their calls were constant. Xiao Zi and Meizou never miss to come by when they have business around Europe. For a moment, Xiaoyou think she saw Ximen at London during the fashion week, but she ignored and forget all about it.

 

She’s not yet ready to face him again. Not yet.

 

* * *

More weeks passed and Ximen’s birthday comes around. Xiaoyou was in a state of panic, thinking so hard about her gift. Lisa tried to convince her that maybe she should see him in person, but Xiaoyou can’t bring it in herself to do it. Lisa tells her to text or call him, but she can’t do that either. She need the space after all. The only thing she was able to do was mail it.

 

Jing, Lei, Xiao Zi and Meizou celebrated Ximen’s birthday. A week later, she receives a text from Ximen.

 

_Thank you for the gift. You really know how to make my day special, Xiaoyou._

The text warmed her and Xiaoyou couldn’t stop smiling for days.

 

* * *

Xiaoyou’s birthday rolls over the calendar. Ah Si, Shancai and Lisa throw a surprise celebration. But what surprised her was when Jing, Lei, Xiao Zi and Meizou dropped by as well. She knows how busy they are know. But it warms her heart thinking how many people love and care for her.

 

Ximen’s gift comes in the mail as well. He too must be afraid to see Xiaoyou as well.

 

Xiaoyou pries the card open with her finger.

 

_I’m not really good with letters and I'm sure you know that. But I figured this would be better than some text, so here it goes._

_How are you? I hope you’re doing well? Lei told me you look better these days so I guess it’s safe to assume you’re taking care of yourself there._

_I moved out of my old place as well. It holds too much memories of you and of us and I think we both needed the fresh start. Business is doing great as well and we were able to expand to Japan.  I'm not sure how important this stuff are for you but I’m just used to telling you all my news. A lot of stuff happened as well. But I won’t put it all in a single letter._

_I miss you. I always miss you. And I always think about how you’re doing. I’m not really great with gifts. But you tell me each year that you love them so I hope you like the gift this year as well. You don’t have to force yourself to like it either, don’t worry my feelings won’t be crushed or anything._

_I want to see you soon. I miss you so much more than I can express in this letter. And should you ever come back home and find yourself feeling up to it, I left my address at the bottom._

_Well, last but not the least, I want to say happy birthday. It feels weird this year that I’m doing this through a letter, and not organizing a special birthday surprise for you. But still, I hope you enjoy your special day. You deserve that much._

_\- Ximen_

 

By the time she opened the box, her shoulders were shaking and tears were streaming down her already wet cheeks. It was a custom made gold bracelet with small diamonds, her name engraved by the thin plate.

 

She burst into tears once more. She was glad Lisa was there to console her.

 

* * *

 

A year has passed and her contract expires.

And the next thing she knows, she’s looking for apartment listings all over Shanghai.

 

* * *

_We should meet up soon._

 

_Yeah? Sure. Just give me the time and place and I’ll be there._

 

_How about this Saturday? 10 am? At the coffee shop downtown? Don’t be late, Ximen._

 

_Perfect. See you there._

_I’ll be early, don’t worry._

 

* * *

It took about an hour of long distance pep talk call from Lisa to get her to come.

 

“You’ll be fine, Xiaoyou. He’s your best friend. You have nothing to worry about.”

 

“But it’s been a year.”

 

“And he’s been waiting patiently. Don’t you think it’s long enough?”

 

So now, Xiaoyou is standing in front of the door to the coffee shop. As the door stood towering above her, Xiaoyou let out a shaky breath. The dread and anxiety dampening her mind and body. She grasped the door, the cold metal sending a shiver up my already quivering arm. Deep breaths.

 

Almost mindlessly, she swung open the door to the fate that awaited. Ximen’s head snaps up at the sound of bell chime and everything seemed to go in slow motion. Their eyes meet, and every possible conversation she had rehearsed in her mind came to an end.

 

“Um...hi,” Xiaoyou stammers.

 

“H-hi. How are you?”

 

“Good...um… let’s, order?” Xiaoyou watches in amazement as Ximen struggled to contain his excitement. She hasn’t heard from him in a year.

 

“So...how long have you been here?”

 

“Not long enough.” Ximen shakes his head. But Xiaoyou can guess from the half empty glass he’s holding that he probably arrived thirty minutes or more earlier. It’s cute, so she lets it slide.

 

A long silence ensued and neither of them really know where to begin or how to break it.

 

“Uhm—”

 

“So—”

 

“You first,” Xiaoyou shakes her head. Ximen gulped down, squeezes his nape out of embarrassment.

 

“You look...really good, Xiaoyou. I…really… don't have any idea where to start. Argh god this is so lame,” Ximen covers his face with his hands, “I was pretty sure this would go a lot smoother.”

 

Xiaoyou bites her lips to keep herself from laughing. It seemed like nothing has changed after all, they’re still the same. “You’re letter mentioned about a business expansion. Why not tell me about that.”

 

The conversation flowed naturally then. Xiaoyou watches the tension melt from his shoulders as Ximen shared what happened to him the past year. Xiaoyou tells him about work. She tells him about Lisa, her wonderful roommate. She tells him about her adventures in London.

 

They laugh at their stories. And Xiaoyou admits she badly missed this. It was nice hearing his voice after so long. She missed him so much than she thought she did.

 

“So, how are you and Xiao Geng?” Xiaoyou asks after a while. Ximen eyes widen as he lowers his cup back to the table.

 

“Um… Didn’t Jing or Lei tell you?”

 

“Eh? Tell me what?”

 

“We...broke up.” Xiaoyou stiffened, her eyes and her mouth frozen wide open in an expression of stunned surprise. She began to panic, but Ximen stops her by patting her shoulder.

 

“Don’t. It wasn’t your fault. So don’t think that way.” Xiaoyou looked away, still unconvinced. “It was nothing big. Really. She couldn’t accept that you would always be more important. Plus, she was planning to settled down and I wasn’t ready for that yet. So I ended things. It happened not too long after you moved.”

 

“Are you sure it’s not because of… what happened?”

 

“I told her everything of course. Yes, she was angry, but she took it quite well. She was more considerate than I thought she’d be.”

 

“She really cared for you, you know.”

 

“I know,” Ximen nods, a sad smile forming from his lips. He took a deep breath and sighed, “So… now what?”

 

Xiaoyou looks at Ximen curiously. “What do you mean?”

 

“I missed you… and now that you’re here, I feel at lost. I really don’t know what to do.”

 

She laughed. More than six years of friendship and yet a year later, they feel like strangers.

 

“Let’s just give it time, yeah?” Ximen nods in understanding. But Xiaoyou can see the elation written in his eyes, the spark he gets when he’s excited about something.

 

“Yeah,” Ximen agrees.

 

* * *

They started slow, meeting for coffee during their free time. It soon became to dinners, and at some point down the line they start to spend time at each other’s apartments.

 

Ximen was careful not to overstep his boundaries with Xiaoyou. He hesitates over the little things, like reaching out for her over something she says, or sliding an arm around her casually. Xiaoyou appreciates it, and she finds it kind of adorable, watching Ximen shift and squirm just to accommodate her. It totally slipped her mind how much Ximen cared for her.

 

They visited the ice rink soon and Xiaoyou was surprised that Ximen was not wobbly anymore. 

 

“I… occasionally come over here.” He confessed as he slowly glides towards her, an attempt to answer her questioning look.  “Coming here... helped me think. And, I really wanted to keep up with you if we ever went again, so…”

 

And the next thing Ximen knew, Xiaoyou was hugging him from behind, her face buried in his back, soft tears dropping from her face. It became a new trend for them now, the whole crying into each other but neither of them mind it

 

* * *

It’s been four months since they started spending time together again. They’ve taken it slow, day by day, even through the holidays, giving each other time to grow used to being around one another again.

 

Xiaoyou could almost say they’re back to normal, but they’re not quite there, yet. Lately Ximen has been more hesitant than usual, and while Xiaoyou thought they cleared that barrier, something is keeping them from taking that last step forward.

 

“So, what is it that you wanted to say.” Xiaoyou asks, and Ximen starred her, hesitant.

 

“It can wait.” Xiaoyou puts her drink down the table and turned to Ximen.

 

“Ximen...”

 

“It's just...I don’t want to push you through any—”

 

Xiaoyou grabs him by his sleeve and smiles. “Hey, it’s okay. We promise to tell each other anything, remember?”

 

Ximen adjusts himself on the couch to face her. “We’ve been together for a long time. You were there on my ups and downs. You supported me, cheered for me, reminded me, grounded me. So by timeline, I just assumed you would always be there for me. I thought about you leaving me one, the idea of you being in a relationship with someone else and… I hated it,” Ximen looked away, “Not having enough time for me, or putting me first, the thought of it really pissed me off.

 

Xiaoyou remains completely silent because she can’t find it in herself to say anything.

 

“You were clingy, such a sweet-tooth, you sometimes nag, occasionally too lively, always persistent. But then, that’s the Xiaoyou I’ve come to know. And I felt really disgusted with myself because I kept thinking, _‘Ahh,that’s my Xiaoyou’_.” He rubs the nape of his neck, “I wanted to tell you that, I now understand a little bit more of how you felt.”

 

“I always tell you that you’re the most important person to me. And it’s true. I don’t think there’s going to be another person in this world who’ll mean so much to me as much as you do. So… what I’m saying is…”

 

Xiaoyou blinks, her heart beginning to stutter, her hands growing clammy.

 

“Xiaoyou...I think I—”

 

“Don’t!” Xiaoyou reaches forward and clamps her hands over Ximen’s mouth. Her eyes wide open, lips trembling, “Don’t say things you don’t mean,” She snaps, her voice a bit cold. “You don’t get to do this to me. It’s not fair.”

 

Ximen carefully pries her hands away from his mouth, looking up at Xiaoyou solemnly. “Okay, I won’t say anything.”

 

“You’re not supposed to say that, either.”

 

“I know,” Ximen sighs, reaching up and drawing his thumbs on her cheeks. “I'm sorry. I’m a pretty awful guy, doing this to you.” he mumbles, “but I think, all this time, it might have been you. I just didn’t want to see it that way. I don’t...know for sure. I think I need more time to figure everything out. But, you'll stay with me until then, right?”

 

She nods, “Always.” Ximen smiles, tucking her against his chest and exhaling with relief into her hair. She smells like strawberry, just like what she used to. It’s comforting, knowing she won’t go anywhere this time.

 

At times, two people have to fall apart to realize how much they need to fall back together. Breakdowns can create breakthroughs and things fall apart so things can fall together.

What they have was not perfect. Their story was twisted and messy. But it was the story that got them here. They may not be able to go back and change the beginning, but they can surely start from where they are and change the ending. 

 

**_FIN_ **

* * *

_“We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot.”_

_-Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind_

  
 


End file.
